Monthly Archives: June 2012

Hair In Lies The Answer

My cousin and I have recently happened upon the answer to the problem of underage sex and drunken one-night-stands;


Or rather, we haven’t ‘happened upon’, we have devised, because we are extremely clever and should probably be running the country…. anyway, I digress.

The other day, my friend was going on a blind date (I had nothing to do with it!) and of course we discussed the yay’s and nay’s beforehand. “You are not to bonk him” I said, sternly. “I wont!” she squealed, then followed with “anyway, I can’t, I haven’t shaved my fanny”. Ok, well she didn’t say fanny, but I love that word so like to use it wherever possible. Furthermore, she had a full leg and bikini wax booked in for Monday, the date was the Saturday prior to that and no way was she going to ruin her carefully cultivated hair and waxing calendar for a blind date.

And that, dear boys, is the Gods-Honest truth as to why sometimes you get laid and sometimes you don’t.

It all depends on hair.

It doesn’t matter how much of a slapper you are (I don’t mean this in a derogatory way, I love a proper slapper), or how utterly rampant you are feeling, if the hair is past it’s best and the minge is not ship, shape and shiny, we’re not playing ball/s. January to the end of March are probably the worst, Crimbo parties are over and spring is far away so we grow our little furry selves under woolly tights and skinny jeans, safe in the knowledge that no-one is going to see them. Unless we’re on a promise 😉

There have been occasions when ladies have been a little inebriated and they’re too drunk to care about contraception, periods, husbands or otherwise and think ‘fuck-it’ I need a shag; alarm bells do not ring about consequences but let me assure you that if those bloody legs are hairy, if the pubes have reached the knees, there is no way those knickers are going down, no way Jose.

We know that when you males are drunk, a big, hairy minge, the odd stray hair wont bother you, but we don’t want you telling your friends, ala Liam Gallagher; “she’s got a hairy asshole”. It’s not nice to be sniggered at in the pub. Nor do we want what happened to one girl I knew, who was in the ‘stubble stage’ of growing back her mary, when the ‘gentleman’ told everyone “she had a muff like a brillo pad” and was thereafter known as ‘Rough Muff’ by literally everybody in town.

And all teenagers think that women don’t even have pubes nowadays, let alone hairy legs or pits, thanks to the porn available on the internet. Imagine, God forbid, what happens when they start developing it? The hair is probably met with absolute hysterics and prompts desperate bids on Groupon vouchers for laser treatment, painful attempts with home-waxing kits (never, ever attempt to wax your own bikini line, it will result in tears, ruined underwear and a fanny that looks like it has alopecia) and stealing their dads 52 blade Gillette razor which does a marvellous job but he wont thank them for it. This is a shame, because I remember the excitement of growing my first pube, God, I was thrilled! My best friend had one giant hair that was magnificent, we were so proud of it. All that is lost nowadays, ah, nostalgia.

So we propose that all hair removal products should be banned from being sold to under 16’s. And no waxing them either.

And ladies, if you know you’re a bit of a goer and cannot trust yourself on a Saturday night, just leave the hair removal for another day!